I do not like to quarrel (who likes to? Maybe there are people who do…?), fight my way to get what I want or basically be at loggerheads with anyone. In fact, conflict makes me extremely uncomfortable and if I could, I would do whatever I can to appease the other person. For a long time, I’ve not engaged in a conflict that went unsolved for more than a week or month. Unfortunately, there’s one argument that I’ll never be able to solve.
While on an Exchange Program to The Netherlands last year, I stayed with a Dutch girl and 2 others in an apartment. She smoked and often make the whole apartment rigged of cigarette smoke, turned the volume of her music on to the maximum and cooks rather often but cleans up ONCE every 1 or 2 months. And I suspect that she has SPLIT PERSONALITY! She could be smiling and laughing one moment but shouting, screaming, crying on the phone and throwing things (sometimes GLASS!) the next moment. Since we were on good terms, we would talk about her issues sometimes. These, however, were the LEAST of my worries.
Three months later, she brought home a stray cat worrying that it would get starve to death if it was left alone on the streets. She asked for permission from the rest of us to keep the cat (since this too was against the rules). I was never a fan of cats but to appease her, I agreed to let her keep it. However, trouble started brewing…
I was discussing a project with a friend in my room one day and left both my bedroom door and my window opened for ventilation. Before I could realize, the cat entered my room (not allowed to), jumped onto my bed and out of my window! Wells, it didn’t die but it ran out and had fun for a day with another cat (according to my housemate). As it was my first time and an innocent mistake, she didn’t say much. After all, the cat did return the next night
On another occasion, I received a parcel from a postman on behalf of my Dutch housemate. After signing for it, I carried it in my hand, closed the door using my back and went to her room to pass it to her. The next moment was one of the most tense moments I experienced in my life! She barged into my room and glared at me and said “YOU left the door opened AGAIN!”. I thought that it was extremely rude of her given that a stranger shouldn’t enter another person’s room without knocking. I was surprised because I wasn’t aware that I left the door opened so I just pardoned her rudeness and went on with my things. Suddenly I heard extremely loud and urgent bang-ings on my door. When I opened the door, it was her again. Her face was distraught- covered with tears, yet her eyes were full of RAGE. She started shouting and swearing at me- asking me to “go to hell” several times- for what seemed like ages while I stood stunned. Apparently the wind blew open the door because I didn’t lock it and the cat ran out. However, I still felt that this wasn’t entirely me to blame. She often shouted at the cat, chased it out of her room and left it hungry when she’s out. In addition, she failed to keep the cat in her room (though she’s supposed to) and often leaves the main door opened too (she never locks the front door to the apartment). To avoid making things worse, I just apologized and shut and locked the door to my room. From that day, she was extremely cold to me and though I tried to make things right with her, she wasn’t ready and was in fact very cold.
It was quite a traumatic experience for me and though I did very much like to resolve it before leaving, it was impossible for me. How would you react to her if you were in my position that day- being swore at and accused? What would you do to resolve the conflict? Or would you even attempt to?
ES2007S Professional Communication 
Ms. Lim Said:
on January 28, 2010 at 1:07 am
Jia Lin, you have provided very clear background to the conflict, describing the people (your roommate in this instance) and the incidents well. I’d certainly like to hear what your classmates say if they were in your situation.
From what you’d shared, somehow I could sense the differences between the two of you, particularly with regards to your daily chores / habits. How were the differences resolved (if they were resolved)? What were your responses to, for example, the unwashed dishes and the cigarette smell and the loud music?
You’d definitely tried to be a good roommate, accommodating her cat, for example, and sitting down with her to talk about her issues. That took effort.
You also mentioned being on good terms with her, which led me to wonder if that was your roommate’s perspective as well? Did she acknowledge and accept the differences? The truth is, sometimes, our version of reality may not be the same as another person’s reality. And when the realities do not coincide, conflicts happen.
I noted that you mentioned the possibility of your roommate having a ‘split personality’? Hmm, how could you tell? I know you did describe her behaviours, but what I mean to say is, you may also have a preconceived opinion of her which may not have helped improve the worsening relationship. What do you think?
Alex Said:
on January 28, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Hi JiaLin
Well first of all, can i ask what was the parcel about? You mentioned the parcel but you didn’t say what has it got to do with the situation. =p just curious la.
Anyway, like you, i hate to get into conflicts as well. However, unlike you, i don’t like appeasing people especially if i feel that i have a stand to make. In your case, i felt that since ground rules has been made right from the start and she broke nearly all of them, there is no reason that you can’t bring up the issue to her in a “room-mate” discussion manner. As such i am assuming that the feeling of “on good term” reciprocate between the 2 of you’ll. Sitting down for a harmless discussion could have brought about a better solution than just suffering in silence.
Other than talking to her about the issue, did you talk to the other room-mates about it? What were their thoughts about this problematic room-mate. I’m not being political and stuff but sometime, when all else fails, majority vote can do wonders =).
Back to the what i’ve said previously, i would have spoken to her about the problem rather than keeping mum about it. I would, like how we should right a bad news letter, bring her in onto the problem with some sort of buffer and then straight to the point with my appeal( hopefully with the backing of the other roommates. Something like:
Hey XXX, i understand that we should all be kind to animal and i too pity this poor cat blah blah blah (buffer buffer)
HOWEVER,
1. put across your personal concerns
2. put across other roommates concerns
3. threaten with the fact that there are rules to follow
4. remind her she have broken both dorm rules and personal ground rules
5. suggest a possible solution ie send the cat to a local “SPCA”
6. close with a personal appeal
Well that is most probably what i will do. I’m not really sure whether that is a good plan but i would like to hear what you and others have to say. Please comment k?
Alex
Madhu Said:
on January 31, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Hey Jia Lin,
Firstly, I sympathize with you on what you had to face since I think it may have dampened your whole exchange experience somewhat. It’s always difficult when you have to live with people like that, who are completely different from you. About her having a split personality, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think what you mean is that she changes her mood instantly, one moment she’s ok, the next moment she’s behaves so irrationally, that you get confused on how to react to her. Is that it?
As to how I would have reacted if I was in your position at that moment, I must say, I would have behaved EXACTLY the same way! I know that it is simply not possible to get through to some people. Of course she must have cared for the cat a lot and I can understand if she was angry. Maybe her berserk behaviour is her way of coping when she’s upset or stressed.
I have to agree with Alex that one thing you could have done is to have a discussion with your other room mates. When you live in that same place and face each other every day, I’m sure the silence between you two would have affected your other room-mates too, in some way or the other, and I’m sure they would not have minded helping you to deal with her.
Other than that, from my point of view, I would say that there was nothing much you could have done if she was not willing to try to end the conflict. So I guess you just have to let bygones be bygones and move on with life.
Madhu
Bryan Said:
on January 31, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Hi Jia Lin,
Thanks for sharing this experience! =) I’m sure it must have been a real shock, especially when she started yelling at you. Yes I feel that you should not try to appease the person (It is of course very nice on your part !). Depending on the person, they may take it as a sign of weakness and perhaps start stepping all over you! But of course, taking into account that this experience took place in a foreign land, where you have many other issues to think about, this is easier said than done.
However, I feel that from the very start, perhaps you should not have let her keep the cat. This could have prevented this whole issue from escalating to such a big issue. If the ground rules have been laid from the start, thing could have perhaps been better, barring the possibility that she decides to break them.
A solution? Given that she is such a temperamental person, I guess like what Alex mentioned, I would use the indirect approach in solving the problem (as I mentioned in my presentaion, this is actually bad news to her =P, not being allowed to keep the cat in the dorm).
It’s a pity that you were not able to patch things up with her, but in life I guess there are many experiences that we can draw from that helps us be a better person. =) Thanks for sharing!
Cheers,
Bryan
guoren Said:
on February 2, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Hey jia lin,
I think from what you have said, I think the problem lies in her and not you. You have been really patient and forgiving, apologising even though the fault is not entirely yours. I think she is just a very being very rude and selfish, only think about herself and not others, I think you have already give in a lot. Like you said, she’s not treating the cat very good, it might just be the cat was trying to run away from her!!
For me, I’m a happy-go-lucky. If someone doesn’t want to be friend with me, I’m ok with that. Well in your situation, I think I’ll try to be nice to her, because it is an exchange programme, I don’t think anyone want to make enemy when we are studying and staying together. However, if she tries to take advantage of me, then don’t expect me to treat her nicely too. Well, there are some people out there that are very hard to please, we don’t have to please everyone around us. If she doesn’t want to be friend with me, then I can treat her as total stranger.
Hope you would just forget this bad experience, such a bump to meet this kind of people during exchange.
Cheers,
guoren